Small, Big, Subjective

I'm 4 months into the pregnancy.

Last time I started taking photos of my belly at 3 months and posting them here. This time, in true veteran fashion, I didn't feel like bothering, even though I've definitely gotten larger at a faster pace this time around. I had a look at my old photos just now and wow, I was posting not even a belly at all, wasn't I?

The thing is that this time, I started out with a bit of a leftover belly from before, like nearly everyone else does. At the very least my non-pregnant belly was the size of my three-months-along photo from last time, and little more than that besides. Maybe that's why I didn't want pictures?

I can't say I know what you, individual reader, are thinking, but whenever I bring up the topic of my waistline, I tend to get the same reaction from others, which involves annoyance at the skinny girl complaining about being supposedly fat.

Let me say a few things right off the top - I would never truly use the words "fat" or "overweight" to describe myself. It's obvious I've pulled a good number in a genetic lottery and I'm very grateful for that. I can't claim any sort of credit for it as I really don't take care of my body that well.

That said, over the years I have always had my own version of "fat day jeans" and "skinny day jeans", and eventually I get to a point where I grow out of the skinny ones and my fat ones become my skinny ones, and I buy larger jeans, just like everyone else does, all along the weight spectrum, as they get older and less fit. I don't have the measurements I had 15 years ago and only part of that is due to having a baby in between.

I don't worry about my size that much. I admit I was a little unhappy with how my new shape looked in my usually well-fitted shirts after I was well and done with pregnancy and breastfeeding. I did have to get rid of some tops that no longer worked and shop for my new shape. Seeing as how there have always been certain styles that didn't work for my body (which is an issue no matter what your size is) it was just a bit of a lateral adjustment and not that much to deal with.

Again, whenever I talk or write in this manner I worry that people are angry at me. There are so many moms out there who undergo a major transformation in order to give birth to a child. These ladies have to face real physical consequences and I never would compare myself to them. I was lucky in so many ways with my pregnancy and this is definitely one of them.

But is just talking about my experience enough to annoy people? I still wish to express myself, still wish for understanding, and yes, empathy.

See, nearly all moms go through a similar stage in the first and early second trimesters, where they are pregnant, and visibly so, but not visibly enough for strangers to be sure. At this point, anyone who knows me and my usual shape well enough can, if they happen to notice my belly, discern that I am in fact pregnant, and not simply gaining weight.

Last time, I put off buying maternity clothes as long as possible, and even bought looser styles that I could wear afterwards. This time, I went and got maternity clothes immediately. The main reason was that last time, I was pregnant in the winter, and bulky styles were easier to pull off. This time, I'll be pregnant in the summer and needed things like shorts and thinner tops that flattered. Another reason is that this time around, the current hip styles are all short in the torso, and do not work at all for a pregnant woman.

But I have to say, the biggest reason I got maternity clothes immediately is that I wanted to look pregnant, NOW. The belly popped out, I felt tired and lazy, and I needed to do my best to tell the world that I have a baby in here. The idea that someone would think I was merely larger in the tummy was more embarrassing to me. Perhaps it's all those discarded skinny jeans, perhaps it's that leftover belly giving me a head start, perhaps it's my body now familiar with pregnancy, perhaps it's the fact that I'm going to be 37 very soon and know I don't look the way I used to.

Last time, I hadn't known any other pregnant moms. I didn't realize how tiny I was in comparison. Now, having seen and talked to countless women in various stages, with various sizes and various issues, it's even more clear to me how small I was. That doesn't make it that much easier when everyone you talk to says "You're so tiny!"

Similarly, last time it was easier to brush people off and say "I'm a small person" and "My doctor says it's fine". But this time, when some roll their eyes at my mentions of my size, or make sure to tell me in an irritated voice how big they were and how awful it was, I can't help but feel a little lonely in my pregnancy, a little lack of sympathy from others. I am not looking for pity of any kind, as I truly am extremely lucky to have it so easy, but I do enjoy smiles and encouragement, not disdain and one-up-manship. Yes, most people are just jibing me in a friendly fashion, which is perfectly fine, but if all I get are jibes, then I feel a little less understood. (All my good mom friends jibe AND encourage, and believe me, I appreciate both, and love having you ladies along for the ride this time!)

It's a typical sort of thing that moms have to face in all sorts of areas, and I try to remember to not play the one-up game when it comes to anything, be it how long a kid took to speak to whether he can ride a bike by kindergarten. I'm sure my stories of Theo's milestones and my pregnancy can sometimes come across badly but I have always tried to make it supportive conversation about how all children are different.

Oof, what a long post, and probably way too complain-y. I'm telling you, it's really weird, the second time, because you generally know how things work, and you generally don't worry about things, and since my tests are all coming back rosy I'm mostly just concerned with eating enough and sitting as much as possible, which means I don't have much of anything to post. Except a complain-y post.

Please forgive me. In penance, here is a pic of me in my not particularly flattering lay around clothes. Four months. Definitely bigger than my pic from around the same stage in 2009.

Love all of you and your continuing support.

Camping!

We decided to do a weekend camping trip with Theo, a first attempt at something we've been talking about forever.

I used to go camping with my family once a year up in Sequoia, and when we got old enough my brother and I got friends together to go on our own. We were never backpackers or anything, just drive up, designated sites, running water on tap kind of camping. It might not be hardcore but it's still sleeping in a tent with cooking around a fire and the possibility of wild animal visits.

Theo isn't ready for that long a trip, but living in Southern California we have lots of choices for easy weekend camping. I admit that my bias against the beach or other places that don't have trees has limited my enthusiasm in the past, but now we knew we'd have to keep it close to home and low key to make it easy on everyone.

Greg found a place in San Juan Capistrano called Caspers Wilderness Park. It's tent camping, with designated sites, running water and full restrooms, including showers. There's hiking and trees and ok, they have a playground, too. The best part is that it's only about 45 minutes away from our house. Sounded like a perfect mix of the real deal with some soft edges.

We teamed up with our friends that have two kids. Their son K is Theo's age and H is nearly 2. Theo and K are very good friends and get along wonderfully most of the time. Our friends are very experienced campers who were looking to get out their with their kids same as we were.

Theo was very excited on the lead-up. We read books about camping and pulled out his sleeping bag. He didn't have any reservations about any of it. It seems we had waited until the right moment to give this a try.

We drove out on Friday evening after Greg's workday, had a quick dinner when we got there and set up the tents. The campsites were generally what I'm used to, though they were very close together. There was no buffer between you and your neighbors, and the place was nearly sold out. Still, the place was very pretty, lots of lovely trees, plenty far from the nearest city.

There was a very large group of frat boys on a site across a road from us and we definitely worried about late night noise. They got a talking to from the rangers when they started getting loud early on, but after dark they really didn't bother us too much.

Even with Theo's enthusiasm, we really weren't sure how things would go. A couple weeks prior he had been afraid to get near birthday candles at a party - how would he cope with a campfire? We were sharing food duty - would he get picky on us when options were limited? Would he get bored with hiking, would he sleep in the tent? Would he just whine the whole time, beg to go home?

I admit, by the time we got to the campsite, we were already blown out by his unstoppable talking. Some days he just doesn't cease asking questions, pondering things aloud and repeating them until he gets responses, or just narrating everything that is happening. After a solid day with him packing for the trip, I was about to lose my mind.

But the magical thing is that when his friend K showed up, they just talked to each other, and we could get a break. There is no overstating how the age of 4 is so much better in this respect. The kids keep each other company so completely that the break it gives us adults is nearly overwhelming. As we worked on camp chores, or even just relaxed for a minute, we couldn't help but point out to each other how awesome it was, having them together and content without any work from us.

Our boys did some playing with the older kids that were next door to us. Thankfully our friends brought some little monster trucks and the kids never ceased being interested in driving them everywhere and narrating to each other about what the trucks were doing. While we were dealing with cooking and cleaning and fire maintenance and everything else, they were climbing the logs next to our site, driving trucks on a bent-over tree, or just running around the campsite. The neutral territory in such a new environment made these kids much more amenable to everything. Best of all worlds.

The endlessly entertaining tree.

We had brought some beach chairs to put around the fire, and he had no issue sitting in them. He showed interest in maintaining the fire, at one point handing me logs to add. He drew the line at holding skewers with marshmallows on them but he got close. He ate just fine with no complaint, including oatmeal different from our usual. Pleasant surprises all around.

We tried and tried but there was no teaching him how to hold a flashlight without pointing it in someone's eyes. At least he didn't have a freak out when we finally took it away from him.

The first night, he asked for bedtime early. Let me say that again - he wanted to go to bed early. It was pretty cold, but in his warm pajamas and sleeping bag he seemed perfectly comfortable. Read him a few books, lingered in the tent, told him it was time to stop talking and go to sleep, and down he went. He was solid all night long, even as the temperature dropped, even as owls hooted loudly directly above us, even as baby H got up early. I woke a few times, he did not.

In the morning Theo crawled into my sleeping bag and we did our usual lazing around. Even so we were up and out of camp fairly quickly to get a nice hike in. Turned out the campground was having a 40th anniversary festival that day as well. The hike we wanted was in the same direction so we sauntered through the festival first.

On our way to the festival.

They had booths with all sorts of nature groups, including a bird of prey rescue that had some amazing owls, a tiny falcon and a huge red tail hawk you could get super close to. There were free popsicles and Theo actually had some of Greg's fudge pop, which is revolutionary as he won't go near ice cream of any kind. We then decided to hit the trial while the kids still had their morning energy.

The walk started simply enough with long grasses and huge gnarled oak trees. Horseback riding is a big part of the park and we came across a parade of at least 20 riders that went past us. It took us a while to realize that the trail we were on was going to take us all the way up to the top of the nearby sandstone hills. We pushed on, ready to turn back if need be, but if someone was going to quit it wasn't going to be the kids, who were always at the front, vying for position, not flinching at steep inclines and narrowing paths. After a while it became apparent that as the pregnant woman I was probably the weakest link in our chain, but I felt inspired to continue as we had plenty of food and water with us, and only called for a break once, not out of any real exhaustion, just to catch my breath.

Theo loves hiking. Though he does love pointing out wildflowers, he isn't one to linger, always wants to keep going, and getting him to stop to look at a view can sometimes be difficult. He has lots of energy and continues on through most terrain without much coaxing.

Holding hands is not only adorable, it keeps them from trying to be first in line.

Even the kids were impressed with the view when we reached top, with the sandstone cliffs, spring green hills and valleys, and a bit of ocean in the distance. The weather was near perfect, with clouds rotating around and a pretty consistent breeze keeping the sun from getting unbearable. We picnicked at the top with PB&Js, fruit and crackers, and were soon ready to continue. The walk along the top of the ridge was another good portion, and by the time we were ready to go back down the baby had awakened in his carrier and needed his own lunch. The kids busied themselves with crayons and paper during this break thanks to our friends' foresight and soon we were ready to head down.

Somewhere along the way Theo found a sandstone/dirt clod thing that he didn't want to let go, and later two large pieces of tree bark. He diligently carried all three the rest of the way. Next time I'll get him his own backpack because the inconvenience of stopping every time he dropped them or needed to adjust was enough to make me nuts.

Downhill is always easier but by the time we leveled out my endurance was down to nil. The last section of walk along a dry river bed and through more grasses was down to telling myself we were almost there, but it was a lot longer than I anticipated. Seeing a little snake was a highlight, don't think I've seen one on a trail before.

It was at this point that Theo started to lose it and I couldn't blame him, but I'm not great at carrying him all that much lately. Instead I took the (now mostly empty) backpacks and Greg carried Theo, a lot. I felt bad but what else could we do, it was a very long hike, and Theo had been a trooper for so much of it.

Finally, we made it back to the festival. There was live music which delighted baby H and gave the rest of us something to stare at as we had a well earned break. We had some food from a taco truck and eventually gathered ourselves for the last push to the campsite. Lots more carrying of kiddos, and general groaning when we discovered we probably could have taken a tractor hay ride shuttle.

When we got back to camp, it amazed me how the kids just did not stop. They got right back to playing while we lay on our air mattress and watch through the tent windows. No nap, not even sitting, just a continuous flow of energy.

Dinner included hot dogs so that about covers it. While he didn't ask for bed, we knew he would go right down after such an intense day. As the boys brushed teeth Greg set up the telescope. We had a nice look at Jupiter with two of its moons easily seen. It was only well after the boys were in bed that we caught a glimpse of the International Space Station zooming steadily past. Instead of owls, we heard a noisy pack of coyotes, seemingly right up the road from us.

The next morning we had our breakfast then slowly progressed towards packing ourselves up. Theo wasn't too happy at leaving but agreeably said bye to our campsite when we had finally gotten everything into the car. We stopped at the local nature center before we left, checking out taxidermy animals, pressing buttons to hear their sounds, reading signs set next to a bird feeder to identify the species, and climbing a small viewing tower to see all around. After another PB&J lunch we were ready to call it a weekend and head home.

Theo asked if we could go to K's house, a usual tactic when we're leaving someone he doesn't want to leave, and seemed the most sad at parting with them. We then had a nice chunk of the rest of the day to unpack the car, begin to clean things and put them away, and relax, as Greg and I really strained ourselves on that hike. Theo likes to mention how much fun he had and that the loves camping. We had such a good time we're talking about doing something similar later in the summer. May as well squeeze it in before the next baby comes and sets us back a while.

Success on all fronts! I want to time travel to when Theo was 2 and was dead set against getting his hands dirty. I'd reassure myself that we'd get around to doing all the fun things that were impossible then.

It's (going to be) a GIRL

Headline says most of it - it's a girl. :)

The results came back from the DNA test and it's all good. No Down's or other chromosome problems, completely clean. And we now definitively know the sex. Time to clear out all the boy hand-me-downs.

I also had the nuchal translucency test, where they use a high def ultrasound to measure various things and take a good close look. Baby looks fantastic in every way.

We told Theo that it's a girl and his response was "that's just what I wanted!" He loves saying that so he may very well have said that to any news. He does love little girls though - many of his friends are girls. We showed him the ultrasound shots and he seems very excited about the whole thing.

We're very excited ourselves at the prospect of the whole new adventure a girl entails.

Here we go again

Announcement time!

I'm three months pregnant.

=)

Here are the answers to your questions!

I'm due October 7th. Theo was 3 weeks early (and not premature in any way) and supposedly earlier is very possible for a second baby so we're definitely set to be ready ahead of time.

We'd been trying for a while. This is within our ideal gap between Theo and new baby. Theo is excited, though we know we'll be dealing with the usual jealousy issues eventually. He has been around pregnant moms and new babies and kids with siblings so he's relatively familiar with the concepts.

I'm feeling very well. I had some nausea but not as bad as I had the first time (which was short-lived and mild compared to most). I'm feeling better but definitely tired much of the time, and I'm hungrier between meals.

I'm already showing, which isn't surprising on my small frame.

I've had a couple of OB visits. We're with a different doctor and a different hospital, at Saddleback in Laguna Hills. They have a dedicated women's hospital and their maternity ward has individual rooms. My ultrasounds have been very good, strong heartbeat, fetus looks active and well-formed.

Up until just now, a mom over 35 (which, yup, I definitely am) would be required to get an amniocentesis, aka an amnio, which involves using a large needle inserted into the belly to check fluids. It carries a relatively high miscarriage rate and no one loves doing it. Thankfully there is a new test, where they just take the moms blood normally and can check it for free-floating fragments of the baby's DNA. The branded name is "MaterniT21" and it can check for chromosomal problems like Down's Syndrome. On the lighter side, it's a 100% accurate check of the baby's gender. We got really lucky on this one, as our insurance just started to cover it as of January 1st. Even my doctor hadn't yet dealt with insurance that so easily gave us the go-ahead. I've already had the blood draw and the results should be in very soon.

Yes, we're hoping to move. Having Theo share a room wouldn't be too bad, but with Greg working from our bedroom, he has nowhere to go when the house will be busy with a noisy baby. It has already been tight and this is definitely a tipping point. The market looks very close to being ready for us to sell the place but we need to wait just a little longer. Even a few more months might be enough. If we need to, we might rent the place out, but of course that's loaded with complications. We could move to all sorts of place as Greg doesn't have a commute, but we'd need a big house in a good school district, and we'll see just what we can afford.

We're hoping for a healthy kid, boy or girl. You know that you'll know most everything as soon as I do.

No, really, things are good.

I've been complaining at lot about Theo lately. Not here, sure, and not even necessarily on Facebook, but if you see me in person I'm often overwhelmed and exasperated and need to lean on the shoulders of everyone around me.

It's unfair to him, really. He's only four. His brain is still making new connections between primal emotional responses and civilized higher brain responses. Just because he is capable of doing all sorts of things for himself doesn't mean he can control himself all the time.

As a reminder to myself (and a small amount of penance for my whining), here is the amazing progress he's made in recent times.

Theo's pretend play has blossomed. He comes up with funny stories and cute ideas. He plays by himself and makes funny voices. He also sings! This is particularly new. He has become obsessed with the Beatles song "Ob-la-di Ob-la-da" and he actually sings nearly all of it. I don't see any demonstrations in public any time soon but at home he's trying it out. I need to try get it on video.

He has made incredible strides socially. When we are approached by strangers asking him questions, he is much more likely to respond and be generally talkative. He speaks clearly enough that everyone understands his words (even if he's off on some tangent others can't understand). Sometimes he says too much, but mostly he just charms everyone. Up until recently he was always hiding behind me, or even getting defiant in his fear, saying mean things. Of course it will be a while until he's consistent and understands true politeness but his recent bravery is very welcome.

I attended a preschool class party last week and his interactions with his classmates is incredibly improved. He ran around with the other kids, calling them by name. Some even called back to him. He shared extremely well, took turns without issue, waited in line even better than I did. I've attended parties there before and the difference is staggering. Before, he had no interest in interacting, especially in the noisy, out-of-the-ordinary party environment. He would cling to me and do nothing else. I figured things were getting better at school as he now comes home and talks about small social interactions, such as who he played with, who was absent. Even when it's something on the negative side (Jake wouldn't play with me today) it's never told in a meltdown way, always just more info for his social report. I'm glad we've had him in school (three days a week) so he can develop his personality and resilience on his own.

Yes, we've had trouble with the usual things at home - getting him to take baths or get dressed or just go potty. And yes, he often throws fits out of nowhere about the smallest things, and is sometimes incredibly rude for no reason at all. I'm reading a new book called "How Toddlers Thrive" and it's very reassuring, letting me know that all of this is entirely normal as he tests the waters of independence and his brain figures out whether he's still loved when he exerts his power. But there's one thing that he does that actually seems very out of the ordinary for his age - he wants resolution to our conflicts. Often, towards the end of some tantrum argument, he'll suddenly shift from being crazy angry at me and come in for a hug, saying "I want us to be happy again, can we be friends and love each other", even as he's still crying and yelling. He'll apologize in the best way he can, saying he is sad we had a bad morning, or that he wants to fix it and doesn't know how. It's incredible. The ability to step away from the corner he backed himself into and try to repair the problem shows a level of awareness that's not only unexpected, but often, more sensible than my own inner turmoil.

There are lots of other things he's doing incrementally better at, but it's hard to gauge, as there are days where he reverts and you're really not sure if there was any progress at all. As all the advice I've ever seen says, it's maddening, and any rational adult can be driven insane by it, but it takes hundreds of teachable moments to really cement in better behavior. The change comes in fits and starts and may seem to vanish, and you just have to keep on, keep on, keep on. I mean, how many times can you say "don't play with your fork"? The answer is, every day for about 5 years. Or more.

In any case he's actually doing very well. When viewed through a lens of trying to nail down his behavior, it seems like he's struggling, or that he's behind on these high expectations. What's really going on is that he's away and running and I'm trying to catch up with him.

(Figured I need to provide something to look at - here are some recent videos.)

Halloween

What a month! I adore Halloween. Now that he's older, I find it hard to turn down anything Halloween-related.

First, a costume. Lots of boys his age are going as superheroes, but he's not into that. It's not that I keep him from it. He gets genuinely uncomfortable around anything involving danger or bad guys. We tried to watch "Wordgirl", a tame cartoon about a superhero girl who fights crime (and teaches vocabulary along the way), and he rejected it after less than two full episodes. Any time the heroes were tied up or trapped he would pull the plug. I'm hoping to show him Star Wars in a few months, but who knows, he may not be able to handle it, or maybe we can just skip the trash compactor.

Anyway, costumes. I offered Theo some ideas, and he picked Blue, from Blue's Clues. The show is gentle and fun and adorable and smart. It was possible for me to make his costume, and a coordinating costume for myself. As you guys know, Halloween brings out my crafty side.

I don't sew, however, so costuming involves finding the right clothing. In this case I needed a sweatsuit in light blue. In this age of internet shopping that shouldn't be impossible, right? Let me tell you, it was. There was nothing for sale in light blue in his size (also - baby blue, sky blue, electric blue, aqua, etc) and eBay was no help either. I found individual pieces but nothing that matched. I even looked for girls' outfits but everything is frilly or decorated. Grrr. So instead, I had to buy the actual branded costume, but that was another search, as this show was cancelled many years ago and lives on only in reruns. Even when you do find it you still have choices to make - vest and hood only? Cheap lightweight one, or full body fuzzy one that will be very warm in daytime activities?

I opted for the full furry costume because it looked the best, then crossed my fingers and hoped the weather would cooperate. Last year it was blazing hot in October and our afternoon party with the MOMS Club practically required sunblock. The kids stripped off their warm costumes and the chocolate melted. Not exactly spooky fall fun.

Thankfully, the weather stayed cool during the whole Halloween period, even cold, and Theo was perfectly comfortable in his one-zip dog costume. The only other wrinkle was that the costume came in two sizes - 2T, or 3T/4T. Theo just had a growth spurt where 2T was just about too small but I knew with his thin frame he'd be drowning in anything described as fitting a 4T child. I also couldn't try anything on as eBay was my only option. The 2T fit him just barely, and the small hood ended up pushing Blue's face upwards. Not exactly what I had in mind, but it was fine.

I made myself a stripey shirt so I could go as Steve, Blue's owner. I found a near-perfect long sleeve dark green shirt on eBay, then bought a lime green shirt at a thrift shop to cut into strips and iron on.

Overall, the costume choices worked out great. He loved being Blue, doing his impression of Blue's "bow bow bow" bark, which was cute enough to stop traffic. Holding him was like carrying a live warm teddy bear. He called me "Steve" a lot, and I did my best impression of Steve playing Blues Clues with him, putting on that quizzical look and asking obvious questions. At the Trunk 'n Treat (below) he had a mishap with a kid on the playground, and through his tears yelled "Mommy! Oh wait I mean Steve!" He loved it so much, it lasted for days after all the Halloween stuff was over with. It's amusing being called "Steve", by my son, in public, out of costume, and completely out of context.

The City of Orange closes down the downtown area for an event called Treats in the Streets. Stores hand out candy to kids, and there's games and facepainting and treats. We hadn't done this event before, as it's a crazy popular one and didn't seem worth it with a toddler, especially one who is not a fan of noisy crowds. This year we gave it a shot. It involved a lot of effort - parked far away, very busy, long waits for candy. But the costume watching made it entirely worth it. Not only were there cute kiddos and great family costumes, but groups of committed teens and adults dressed to the nines. We got some appreciative nods from families with little ones that recognized our costumes, but the best were the teenagers who had grown up when Blue was the biggest thing on TV. One of them waved timidly at me as if starstruck. Theo was over waiting in lines very quickly, but there were other things to see. Firefighters parked some engines for kids to climb on. There was a petting zoo and some simple carnival games. We had dinner at Watson's Diner, which was crazy busy with event attendees, making it a very long weeknight, but totally worth it.

My MOMS Club chapter holds a "Trunk 'n Treat", where we park our cars at a local park, open the trunks and decorate them, then have the kids trick or treat from trunk to trunk. We also hold a potluck lunch and the kids play on the playground. It's a perfect mini-Halloween for the little ones, and a chance to see all our Club friends in costume. Theo is old enough to remember the event from a year ago, and he got very into it this time around. He didn't need my help to say "trick or treat" and get the candy in such a friendly environment.

On Halloween itself, Theo's preschool had a costume parade and lunch party, with parents invited. They combined all of their classes into one loud and boisterous crowd. When I showed up, parents were taking pics of all the kids sitting on the rug while they screamed "CHEESE" at the top of their voices. When Theo saw me, he tried to leave the group, and I motioned him to stay put. He burst into tears, so I let him come over and hug me. The loudness and stress of the large group was too much for him. After a while I was able to convince him that I would be outside with the other parents and that he needed to march along with his friends. What an adorable event - all kinds of amazing costumes. Lots of the usual princesses and super heroes along with a few neat creative ones, including a little girl dressed as Donald Duck, complete with orange swim flippers. Theo dutifully paraded in line, just barely keeping it together with the kids all bumping into each other. When they stopped for more pics as a group he wanted out, immediately, and I figured he had been through enough. It was amazing how long the pictures went on after that - another solid 15 minutes of grouping and posing and yelling before they sat down to eat, which was another bit of nuttiness. As soon as he was done eating he wanted to leave and I admit it, so did I.

After all that I didn't want to overdo things that evening, so we went trick or treating in our neighborhood. We live in a gated condo complex and we have never had very many trick or treaters. In past years I've taken Theo around inside the complex and it's been enough, even though very few houses have jack 'o lanterns. I stick to my rule of not knocking on a door unless they have some decoration. We were never sure how good of a neighborhood the outside world was for trick or treat but there have always been some decorations so we figured it might be just enough to make Theo (and us) happy. We left our gates and it turns out we live in a very good Halloween neighborhood. There were lots of kids of varying ages walking around, and the majority of houses had decorations. On one street quite a few people were hanging out on porches to hand out the candy, talking to neighbors, spooking the kids just a bit with costumes.

Theo was fully committed to the prospect of getting more candy. He was definitely out of his element, but put his game face on. It was more evidence of his recent shifts in personality. He's been much braver lately, on the playground, among strangers, and in trying new things, and it gets better all the time. It was interesting what did make him afraid. He definitely didn't like those large inflatable lawn decorations - took some coaxing to get him near them, even as we explained they were just big balloons. One house had a strobe light that was pretty freaky. Sometimes even a silly cartoon decoration would push some sort of button. Throughout we reminded him that it was all pretend, which he repeated a bit to keep himself steady. There were no meltdowns or struggles, just gentle coaxing and some hand holding. He had a great time. We did a just a few blocks and it was plenty to wear him out and fill up his bucket. Afterwards, we let him stay up late and have a lollypop while we watched "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown". Halloween bliss.

It pleases me to no end that Theo was able to embrace the spooky side of Halloween and participate happily. As he gets braver we are able to have more fun in all sorts of new areas. Next, we all get to put our brave faces on as we deal with Thanksgiving and Hanukkah all in one weekend!

Boasting

We all know the stereotype.

Here's the latest incredible development in my child's life! He rolls over! She uses a spoon! He says "Uh oh" in the most adorable way! She sings 'Twinkle Twinkle'! He puts his blocks away! She is nice to the cat!

All said as if these are somehow special, unique, nearly impossible occurrences.

If you're a good friend of a mom, you've nodded and given appreciative responses, even as you've thought, "I guess this is a big deal for her." Perhaps in a more cynical moment, one might even dare to consider, "So what? Is she trying to take credit for this? Aren't they supposed to do that eventually?"

The answers are yes, yes, yes.

--

This phenomenon is often chalked up to boastfulness. Yes, there is a level of pride when a child reaches any sort of milestone. It further demonstrates that you are sending them along a healthy developmental path. And yes, I do love getting a supportive smile from others.

It can be easy to forget that it might not be the biggest deal to the rest of the world. If you don't have a child yourself, you should see how this kind of thing can escalate when TWO moms compare notes.

"She uses a spoon."

"That's great! Mine just learned to use a fork."

"Wonderful! We're skipping the bib these days."

"How exciting! We had some success with a regular cup this morning!"

It may sound competitive but at heart, it isn't. It's two moms realizing that someone else can understand the triumph involved. Hidden beneath these simple statements are quite a few layers of consequences. No longer hand-feeding a child means mom can eat her own food at the same time. Bibs are yet another thing to wash and remember to bring everywhere you go (and find moldering in the bottom of your purse). Sippy cups fill up dishwashers and drying racks with endless lids, valves, and straws. Quite often the impulse to help your kids reach new levels of achievement comes from a basic need to be done with the time-consuming trappings of babyhood.

Plus, in many cases, it takes endless working with the child to have them attempt such things. If left to their own devices, how soon would a child decide that a fork is a better idea than using their hands? On this specific topic, I was very lucky, as Theo does not like to get his hands dirty, and as soon as he realized he could eat AND keep his hands clean, he was on it. I never expected that of him, and wouldn't be surprised to hear that a child of four would have to be reminded to not eat mac & cheese with fingers.

See what I did just there? I slipped in a boast, right in the middle of a discussion about boastfulness. Theo used a fork early. But was it really a boast? Again, there are layers of meaning to any milestone, and especially ones that develop early. A child that won't use his hands for food when they're still not very capable with utensils can be its own nightmare. Many times we tried to get him to just use his hands because he just wasn't doing well in getting it with a fork. Now that he's a little older the focus shifts to using utensils well. He likes to turn the fork or spoon over as it goes into his mouth, often with messy results, but so far we have been unable to break him of it.

So much of this type of thing is nature, not nurture, and taking credit is tricky. Let's round up the possible layers of information being delivered in "boastful" one-liners:

• Child's personality enables certain abilities
• Child has learned new ability
• Parent taught child new ability
• Parent is coping with child's new ability
• Parent is freed up by child's new ability

And this is just the beginning of the conversation, as evidenced by my second paragraph on Theo's adventures with using forks. I could literally talk for hours about how Theo's personality affects his attitudes and capabilities in eating. In fact, I have.

It can be hard to know what is and isn't good milestone conversation. I have learned not to jump in when moms talk potty training, as Theo trained easily, and I never want to come off as dismissive or unsympathetic, as I know I dodged a huge bullet (more boasting?). But when there's talk about cry-it-out bedtimes, shy homebodies, or stubbornness, I know I have experience in these areas, and that while I have a few success stories, I can definitely commiserate, and continue to need advice and support, too.

When it comes to talking to those who don't have kids, I try to keep it straightforward. If you ask for more detail you'll get it, but there's no reason to dive in with endless histories of how we got to this wonderful point in time.

Here's mine for today: Theo chose his clothes AND got dressed entirely by himself this morning.

Hooray!

Fantasy/Reality

As I wrote in my last post, Theo's imagination has taken a leap and now informs much more of his (near constant) monologue. The day after we made the image to go with his flying house story, he suddenly started talking about flying saucers.

"What's a flying saucer?" I asked.

"It flies!"

"Ok, what's a saucer?"

"It's a flying SAUCER," he says, near-condescension in his voice.

I have no idea where he got this from *cough*probablyTV*cough* and after some questioning, I'm pretty sure he has no clue what one looks like or that it has anything to do with aliens.

"It flies around and has a mouth and it eats."

Mouths again. "What does it eat?"

"Little flying saucers."

Cannibalism! "What does a teeny tiny flying saucer eat?"

He doesn't respond to that directly but eventually gets to another bit of info: "The flying saucer has TWO mouths."

"Two mouths?"

"One to eat little flying saucers and one to talk."

"What does a flying saucer talk about?"

"Talks about eating little flying saucers!"

The focus on mouths is interesting, and it seems to be his definition for intelligence/sentience. The other day he spouted a list of inanimate objects around us, and said "they don't move or have mouths or anything." On mentioning this to Greg he reminded me that when I say someone looks like someone else, I'm usually referring to the eyes and upper part of the face, but when Greg does, he's usually referring to mouths and jawlines. Perhaps Theo has inherited Greg's way of identifying faces.

I do think that all this talk of mouths is him grappling with what entities are, what objects are, etc. As most of you know he absolutely loves our car, which we dubbed The Happy Honda. We ascribe all sort of emotions to the Honda and he's always glad to see it. (Which, in Southern California, is a very good thing.) He also has a strong bond to our house and the concept of it. His loyalty to his own world can become fodder for his fears, too. A few months back he went through a fear of something happening to our house. We were getting ready to go somewhere, and he teared up out of nowhere and talked about the house going away while we were gone. This happened two or three times and then vanished, but now we have stories about houses with wings that make sure to come back and tell people where it went.

Along with this fantasy bump, we're seeing a lot more bravery. I think the two go hand in hand. If you can understand what isn't reality, it means you have an understanding of what reality is, what is and isn't possible. He's allowing himself to be pushed further. Coaxing to try things in all sorts of areas, from new foods to daring feats at the pool, is getting better results at the moment.

We read the original Alice's Adventures in Wonderland to Theo over the course of many bedtimes, and while much of it went over his comprehension, he did catch some of it, especially the parts that he's heard in various adaptations. Even some of the wordplay made him giggle. The Disney film frightened him but that was already many months ago, and books are easier for him to cope with. Still, I thought he might not enjoy it but he always asked for more. I tried to continue on with Through the Looking Glass but that was a little too dry. He knows nothing of chess, so it can wait. Now we're beginning the original Wizard of Oz, a story with much more accessible yet impossible imagery, and we'll see how that goes.

Now that he has achieved this level of consciousness about the real and unreal, we can start discovering what sorts of fantasy appeal to him. He still sometimes turns away from cartoons because of threats of violence, however slight. He shied away from a show called Word Girl, an animated show about a superhero with a large vocabulary (gotta love PBS). Even though the villains were cartoony and the dangers slight, his discomfort at seeing people trapped or scared is apparent. He watched only two episodes before deciding he didn't want to watch it anymore.

This sort of self-limitation is helpful, but I know it's important to keep an eye on what entertainment he's consuming. Just tonight he asked for Alice again and I got out Through the Looking Glass. We turn a page and there is Tenniel's Jabberwocky.

"What's that, Mommy?"

Sweet dreams, kiddo.

Storyteller

During dinner the other night, Theo suddenly told this story.

Maybe when people leave a house, the house could dream about flying. It could fly all day, and when it was nighttime, the house could come back down where the empty space was, and when all the people come back the house could talk to them, if the house had a mouth and it could talk to them and tell them about his flying ADVENTURE!

Later, Theo added a bit: While the people were gone on their long walk, the car could also fly away, and come back later and also have a mouth, and tell the people about his flying ADVENTURE!

Theo's imagination has taken a few leaps lately.

Today I helped him illustrate his story. He chose images from basic internet searches and I performed a little photoshop magic at his direction. The result is pretty crazy. These are entirely his own choices. Yes, the Honda has candy in its mouth. Yes, all the people needed to fly too.

I've asked Theo to think about what the ADVENTURES might be. Maybe one day that'll percolate back up. I would never call him the most creative kid, so any chance to indulge is welcome, and the more odd the result, the better.

Get yer pith helmet

Let's finish up my San Diego trip report.

When you get to the fourth day you're a little glad that it's almost over, but you don't want to give up just yet. Especially if you're going somewhere as special as the San Diego Safari Park (formerly known as the Wild Animal Park).

If you've never been it's a huge treat. They have miles and miles of land to let the animals roam and interact as naturally as possible (without letting carnivores thin out the herds). As you can imagine, maintaining all this land and many hundreds of animals isn't cheap, and they monetize it however they can.

Included in the admission is a ride on the Africa Tram Safari, the basic tour of the vast Africa area. From there, the list of specialized tours is long and specialized. You can take the Cart Safari for a more personal experience with a smaller group. You can get a close look at the cheetahs, or feed the rhinos and giraffes with your own hands. You can fly on ziplines above the area or climb through the trees on suspended logs and ropes. You can go behind the scenes to see the vet stations and breeding programs. You can even camp out overnight. There are many more special experiences, and each one come with its own considerable price tag. It's all to benefit this non-profit so it comes guilt-free.

We decided that once we had finished with the Africa Tram we would take the Cart Safari through the Asia area. That, along with the more traditional zoo-style exhibits for smaller animals, would be plenty for us on our last day out before heading home. (I have daydreams of coming back in a few years and climbing through those trees with an older child.)

Theo's love of vehicles translated into fascination with the tram itself. Spotting animals along out tour wasn't too difficult, though sometimes you'd have to get the right angle to spot a baby snuggled with its mother. There were a lot of attempts to get Theo to see things, and for most of it he wasn't super cooperative. He didn't want to sit in a lap or be picked up at stops, and after a bit, we had to just let him be.

The Cart Safari through Asia went much better for him. The very comfy, over-sized golf cart held less than a dozen people. The open sides and lower stance made it much less claustrophobic than the large tram, feeling more like a real safari in a jeep, and bringing us closer to the action. Theo dug the motion of the ride and was more interested in the animals as well. Our guide was very knowledgeable, too, making this tour worthwhile for all of us.

One might think that all the bang at this place was in the tours and large spaces but one would be mistaken. There were amazing things everywhere and we didn't even get to half of it. There was a lemur enclosure with no barriers between you and the animals, much like an aviary. We found a spot to watch the scheduled cheetah run - pretty amazing to see it in action. Theo and his cousin were delighted when we fed the lorikeets, who were lovely and very friendly to humans, though rather competitive with each other.

We happened upon a couple of meet 'n greets with handlers bringing animals out for a talk, including the adorable, fluffy African Pygmy Falcon, smallest of the falcons and no bigger than a sparrow; and the Three-Banded Armadillo, which ran around and around us on stubby legs then curled up into a perfect ball when picked up.

We saw lovely large fruit bats stretching their wings to span 3 feet, cute fennec foxes drowsing cozily, the incredibly small dik-dik, the tiniest of deer - it's these types of animals that capture my imagination.

Just thinking about the end of that day makes my mind groggy and my limbs ache. So. Very. Tired. As made our way out we were half-joking about how we can't wait to get back to our boring day-to-day. Putting ourselves out there is a lot of work. Truly experiencing life often isn't a vacation.

In the days that followed our trip Theo kept mentioning how much he loved staying in the hotel with his cousin, aunt and uncle next door to us. We kept all the park maps and he loves going over them again and again, discussing what we did, what we missed, what we'll do "next time". We're still much too close to even consider planning another one, but it won't be long. Eventually, you forget the hard part and only remember the fun part. I mean, look at this last post, I left nearly all the tough bits out, and it's been less than a month! ;-) I can be a determined homebody, a lazy lump, a complainer and an anxious over-planner, but with notches like this on my belt, I don't think anyone would figure that, and that's a good thing.

Biking, sort of.

On the way home from preschool one day this week Theo asks if we can go on a bike ride. I say sure, after we eat lunch and water the plants, like we always do. Theo starts pitching a fit. I'm very firm, we have to have lunch and water the plants first. He gets the message but is still sulky about it.

After much wrangling, he sits and eats a big, long lunch. Then he wants TV. "Didn't you want to go on a bike ride?"

"I want to watch TV first, then water the plants, then go on a bike ride."

Ok, we watch TV. Time to water the plants. I coax him into his sandals. I figure we can water, and go right into the biking preparations. Theo then pours water all over himself.

Sigh. "Ok, let's go get changed."

Upstairs, Theo wants to play trains, he wants to do flips. Just getting him out of his wet clothes (which he supposedly found very distressing just a moment earlier) takes a solid two minutes. Once he's down to his underwear, I ask him to please go potty.

Pouting, whining, rolling around on the ground.

For a couple of minutes, I just sit there and stare at the floor. We're in the full blast of the air conditioning, just sitting the quiet of his bedroom. Do I want to go for a bike ride? Not really. His posture reflects my mindset. Not dressed, laying on his back, smirking at me - it's like my own lack of willpower is on display. This is the most insidious type of teachable moment - the type that involves forcing myself to emulate good behavior, even though I'm lazy as hell. I fully understand that a bike ride involves not only the energy it takes to push the pedals - it takes the energy to get this stubborn kid through all the paces just to get out the door. I take a deep breath and resign myself to the work ahead.

"I thought you wanted to go on a bike ride! Now you won't do the things that will get us out the door. Let's go, one step at a time. Go potty!"

I had to force the issue by putting him into the bathroom. As usual when he complains his hardest, he really did have to go. Then, more struggle to get clothing onto him, and get him downstairs.

Shoes, sunscreen. Theo is finally getting into the idea and complies easily. We get outside and the heat pounds us. It's already after 2pm. Sometimes we head out without water bottles but today it doesn't seem to be an option. I set up the water and briefly consider bringing a snack, then dismiss it.

Now it's time to set up the bike trailer. Theo loves to jump on me when I try to do anything constructive, so there's more hassle while I get it done. By the time the trailer is ready I'm sweating and feeling exhausted from all the battles, but there's no stopping now.

We get in and go.

"Mommy, I love bike rides."

"Me too," I say, somehow.


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I figured we'll do a quick ride down the bike path along the Santa Ana River to Angel Stadium. You can bike right next to the Big A itself. I had done some biking lately and felt we could do it. It's only 2 city blocks north, no big deal.

Turns out - it's a big deal. It's hot, and I should have had a snack before leaving. The bike trailer plus kiddo isn't light. There's somewhat of a cooling breeze but I can feel the wind drag on my cargo.

We dip under overpasses and I shift super low to pedal our way out. We go slow, I drink water, we make it to the Big A. I pull over for about 5 seconds.

"You want to go home, kiddo? Or walk around a bit?"

"Yeah Mommy, let's go home."

I make a big U turn, get up on the pedals, and I see stars. I chug water and gear down. No big deal, take it easy, no rush. More stars, heat in my head, pounding heart. We dip down under the next main street and I can't climb us out.

"Hey kiddo, I need a break." I park the bike, let Theo out, take our helmets off, and we sit in the coolness of concrete shade.

Theo is in good spirits, happy to sit with me in this odd place. The path isn't busy at all since most people are smart enough to not exercise during the hottest part of the day. The cars rumble across the bridge over our heads. We have views of other main streets with lots of trucks to gape at. Nope, no complaints from the kid, he was fine where he was.

If I had a snack right now I'd be fine, too. Snack, break, water, go. But without it I'm a puddle of goo. We sit for a bit while Theo calls out the trucks he spots from afar.

I make motions to leave and realize that I can't. I look up and point into the distance.

"Theo, check out that bridge with cars on it, far away. Do you see it?" He does. "That's the street we need to get to, to get off the bike trail and be almost home. I don't think I can do it. We're going to have to call Daddy."

Theo thinks for a second.

"Mommy, did you bring your phone?"

"Yes, I did."

So yeah, a bust, a fail. I'm lucky that Greg is home and available at that moment. Even without him, worst-case scenario would involve walking to find place to have a snack and cool down for a while before riding back. Not too terrible.

I'd like to think I learned a lesson but it's a pitfall of mine. You get so committed to the idea of doing something that you throw common sense out the window just to get it done. I knew I was already a wreck when I got on that bike, and just a tiny bit more effort to pack a snack would have helped. Lesson learned? For the moment. Give me a while and I can get annoyed enough to unlearn any lesson.