Emotions

First, some unfinished business. Looks like the emails didn't give the links to the videos in my last post. Click below:

At the hospital
At home

---

Three days before Theo was born, a good friend emailed me with an idea for my blog. She said that my posts involved all kinds of practical necessities, but that I hadn't talked much about the emotional preparation leading up to having a baby. At the time, I thought about blogging more about leaving my job, because that decision grew directly out of a commitment to my emotional focus. Other than that, I couldn't come up with a way to prepare emotionally before the actual birth. As everyone says, nothing really can prepare you, and once it happens, things fall into place. At least, I hoped so.

From this side of the great divide, I can honestly say that while we knew what to expect in terms of lifestyle changes, we had no idea what it would feel like to have a baby. From the moment he was handed to us, our emotional state was changed, forever.

I'm glad to say that I fell in love with him almost immediately, and that I haven't had any issues in postpartum. The first week, I did feel the loss of the belly and the life that was inside of me, but all I have to do to counteract it is look at the very real baby I have right in front of me.

I can't quantify how emotional a person I am. I will say that I didn't cry during the birth or even soon afterward, which surprised me. On the second day at the hospital I left the baby with Greg for the first time and went for a walk. I had been a complete shut-in since the birth and needed to get some air. It was a perfect day for it - blue skies, slightly crisp breeze. When I got around to the back of the complex and saw the parking structure, I thought about our car, waiting in the structure, its car seat installed and ready to take our baby home with us. By the time I got back to the room with my husband and son inside, I was a sobbing mess.

Seems to me that being in the eye of the hurricane and simply doing what needed to be done had been keeping me from reflecting on things. Once I had a bit of distance from the situation, it didn't take much to set me off. Since then, the smallest things can put me in happy tears. I don't know if it can truly be attributed to hormones. Seems to me that such a life-altering event should be reason enough to experience hair-trigger mood changes.

That, plus the most intense sleep deprivation I've ever experienced.